carolinaraeroddy:

AND THE LAST BECAME THE FIRST

This is the moment I feared would come when I began these blog entries. There are no artistic or whitty ways to say how we feel to make for a good read, or anything to say that will sugarcoat how my heart really feels. I simply feel sad, angry, confused, helpless, lonely, any every other emotion you can imagine has been a part of this ride. Im not going to write out a long history report of how the day went when we lost our beautiful daughter this weekend or what was medically the final straw in all the fight she gave. I just want to say that Carolina Rae let go of her short life here in our arms peacefully. We held her as her heart beat slower and slower as the hours went on. Her perfect arms were outstretched across her mother as her head layed perfectly nuzzled under the blanket of a loving mothers lips whispering the words “I Love You” and “Its Okay You Can Go Now And Be Healed.” Without all the wires and tubes providing her with the care she had only known, she finally recieved the care we know she longed for..her mothers embrace and her fathers arms around her. We finally got to see her for what she really was, an innocent, blameless before God, perfectly created, beautiful child. Her last breath on earth became her first in Heaven. And when she was gone, we shed many tears but our celebrated in a comfort that only Gods children will ever be able to experience. I have explained many times in my entries about how Carolina has instilled in me a hunger to return to the Lord. No other power has ever come close to bringing me home as I have so longed for in many years.  We may never know why God has chosen to take our baby from us, but I do know what he has brought us in the conflict and the storms. If our baby had survived this ordeal, would my walk remain, would I grow stagnant again, would I crumble under the pressures of everyday life and take our little miracle for granted? Or will the Lord take her and renew my heart, and create a spiritual hurricane in my life that I have no want to control as it grows stronger and stronger with each tragedy that will continue to strike our lives as long as we are living in a world so full of sin. Im reminded of the quote by American Missionary Jim Elliot who was killed on the mission field…”He is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose.” He was reffering to earthly treasures vs the gift of eternal life, but in my case I am no fool for celebrating what God has done with this tragedy. I would gladly give up my beautiful baby girl a thousand times over and over again to regain my spiritual standing in God our Father which otherwise could have never been reborn in a somewhat different situation. I do love her and I do miss her more than any words can describe in any stupid blog entries but I know she is where she belongs. She has a full set of lungs and she isnt on any paralletic meds anymore as she is singing and dancing with our Father in Heaven. And when we are there she will run into her Mothers arms and say Thank You for giving me a chance to live and for giving God the chance to make his will perfect in your life. And that is now officially the day I will live each day of my life to see. I now set my sights on Heaven and I live Godly and Heavenbound. Carolina has created an unshakeable foundation and for that I will gladly give her life over to the one who knows and may only be the one who ever knows why she was taken from us. Anyone taking the time to read this, please take another Moment Of Movement and please fall to your knees and thank God for Tragedy. Thank him that when the world he created curses him for the temporary gifts that are taken away, it is there that we really find our strength in him. It is there where we will find our hearts home. And it is there we realize life is more than living a day at a time, its about living for the ultimate reward.

Carolina Rae, we love you more than we will get a chance to tell you. But our loving and merciful God has his loving arms wrapped around you and we know that you know our hearts. We are thankful to you for renewing our family. I am thankful to you for bringing me back home to my Father where we belong. I will spend each moment of my life with my arms open wide, for at the moment I may take my last breath on earth, my first in Heaven will find you inside of this loving embrace.